BOO! RANDOM! wrote in OCT just now posting

Life ain't always what you think it should be .. When you young you have so many hopes and dreams that come and go as your grow older. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor. Something about it fascinated me. The thought of helping others by giving them the gift of saving their life. As I grew this hope/dream never really faded and to this day I still think of what might have been. However now a days, I think that I would of enjoyed it yes but its not me, it does not fit in with the person I am. I cant stand people most days I rather sit alone in the darkest hours of the night day dreaming about far off lands and traveling the world finding a man that can love me for me and not try and change who I think I am. I feel this need to be something more than me yet at the same time I feel this need to tell everyone to go fuck themselves.

I think there for I am CRAZY!!

You stumble in and out, in and out, in and out of peoples life's leaving behind heart ache. A perfect disaster you left in your wake! I don't understand why people feel as they do I really, honestly, have no clue! I came into this world soft and meek, with only dreams of love that I seek. You wrapped me up in a blanket soft and new, and now you hide behind the lies that was so dreadfully untrue. I kept you secret, I kept you safe. In my heart for no others to take. And yet, I love you with no end, my heart weeps for you to just let me in. To know the truth that hides inside your mortal soul. I know some day you will leave me like all the rest but I hope and pray that I am your best, the best part of you loving me is so true.

The truth about love! (not done?)

The truth about love is... it hurts, it will make you cry whether it be good or bad. When you are in it you will feel amazing and happy, maybe even a little care free, when your not you will long for it.. you will hope for it you will search day and night trying to find it. But the thing is no matter how much love you can have for someone else if they don't love you back then all its pointless.  I have loved and lost a few times in my life but each time I feel as though I am getting closer to the kind of love that last a life time.  The kind of love that hold no ends, the kind of happiness that fairy tales are made of. Knowing that no matter where you are in the world there is someone that is thinking only of you, wishing you were next to them, to hold you close. To find a love like that its what dreams are made of. Some, only a few really get it right the first time. Most much like myself take a few extra trys to get it right. I read some where that "if you love two people pick the second one because if you ever really loved the first you wouldn't have fallen for the second in the first place" I am a strong believe in this thought, or statement if you will. However, there is one little thing that its over looking, that whether you love two or three, each time is different because its with a different person. Every time I ever thought I was "in love" it was stronger and more meaningful than the last, I find it funny because I can remember crying when my mother maded me come back home from Alabama I honestly didn't know one person could shed that many tears. I think I cried from Montgomery to Nashville before we stopped for the night and I made myself go to sleep. Ah to be in love when your a teenage girl I think its the most assuming kind of love there is because to you everything is the end of the world! That this is the boy you will love forever no matter what anyone else has to say about the matter and how dare they say "oh it will never work" because you know for a FACT that it will. So young and naive girls are, see boys I think they know that its a I love you for now kind of thing, not oh I promise to love you forever. They may say it but they are not stupid enough to believe it. As you grow however, love changes. It grows deeper and stronger and most of the time the love you felt for someone at 16 is far different than the love you feel for them at 22. After your first love the next is hard to fall into yet at the same time you fall a little deeper than before, because you are more open to it. You are older and wiser (well most people are wiser but not all) and the feelings run a little truer and in most cases last a little long. Now see me for example relations are paired in two's. Two last about 7 years, two lasted about 4 months. Does that mean that the ones that did last longer were more "special" or more "meaningful", My answer would be NO, each love was different and had its own special place in my heart. One broke my heart into a million piece that took a while to get back together, two hurt me in away that shall not be explained here in my blog, and one well he left a hole in my heart I honestly don't think will ever heal. The hole has gotten a little smaller over the years, but the littlest things seem to tare away at it pulling at its seems. And now today, my heart is open and honest and 100% pure. Its ready for the love that it longed for, for all these years. I am a little more cautious than I used to be but something about this idea of loving this boy I like, had some how thrown my caution to the wind so to speak and I don't know how to feel about it. I don't want to be hurt again, been there, done that too many times to count! But where is the joy, or the hope, the excitement, the adventure if you don't try. So I shall try not to give up on this boy, lets hope he don't give up on me. Because you never know, this time the love and be grand! It can be amazing, it can be anything we want it to be, if only open to the possibility's that lie ahead!

Kiss me softly on thine lips, painted red for the world to see... Cold and icy yeah they may be, but your touch warms just a little... I am gone now, to late to save, yet at the end of the day you wish for me to hold once more. To hear me calling your name.. Sweet love that I adored

BULLSHIT

This last two months have been very hard on me. One day at a time I walk down this lonely street wishing and hoping for someone to take my hand and guide me down the right path, but every time I feel as though I have met that right person I ended up more lost and confused than I already was. There is so much I want to say to you yet I cant find the strength inside myself to just say it. I wish I could tell you that I still love you, I wish I could tell you how much you really do mean to me. You hurt me so bad by leaving me alone and scared in the dark. I wished for you, I hoped for you, I dreamt of you every day of my life and what I got told hold you for an hour, a day, a night. Was that really enough time for you, because it sure in the hell was not enough for me. I hear your voice and I feel this sickness in my stomach. Yet I feel the happiest I have ever been. You hold no power over me yet I give it to you freely because I have hopes that you will see just how much I miss you and need you in my life. I am tired of trying to be this person that feels more pain than pleasure .. I am tried of trying so hard to get you to understand just how I feel without sounding like a crazy woman.... hmmm that's the hardest thing I ever had to do was walk away from you but what other choice did I have?

pondering of a rambling loon!(some a of convo I had with a dear friend the rest added later)

I was just thinking about how one can feel so close to someone that they never laid eyes on yet feel worlds apart from the very people in their life's that they see every day. Then I questioned whether it is wrong to live your life loving and longing for a day when you can find that one missing piece of the puzzle or should you give up on the idea and just go on living every day with a hole in your heart? I ask this to a friend and he/she told me I already know the answer to this question to that I replied if I knew the answer I wouldn't be ask you! I then said see the thing is that the easy answer would be to give up on it cause even if you find it how do u make it fit or make it work in the way you want ... but life is not easy at all, it wants to make things harder than need be its wants you to long and wait for something that will never come to be. So what is the rite answer, do you wait and hope and pray you don't miss out on something amazing because you was to busy looking for something else? Or do you dive in head first into every little moment that could bring you some kind of happiness. I feel lost and confused on this topic because I do both. I dive in to just about every little moment yet I keep part of me locked up tight waiting for that one special piece to feel whole. The sad thing is even when I do dive into those moments I don't really get the full effect because I'm not 100% open to it. So in a way I'm just a poser, I fake my happiness so that I don't bring  others down around me. That is till I speak with you, in those moments I smile no matter the words speak. In those moments I think of nothing but happy thoughts of getting to know you and wondering if that moment is just as joyful for you as it is for me!

RANDOM! Life? ( first of many to come)

The thing about life is you cant linger in one moment for to long .. you have got to look into the next one and hold on cause you never know in which way life will throw you.. I have been thrown around so much this last year I don't even know if my head is on straight anymore... I have found love and lost it .. I have found true happiness that went to the deepest depression I have ever seen. I have found health then became sick.. So I have come to find that even when you hold on you still get thrown off and you still fall down, and you still get hurt! However, I have also learned that you can experience all those things and feel like its the end of the world and come through to the other side smiling! I smile because of the warmth that the sun leaves on my face, I smile every time my son comes running up to me yelling "mommy, mommy, mom,mommy" I smile because of the friends and family that had stuck around no matter what happens, or how rude and nasty I may be to them. So life is a crazy and wild ride, but there is no need for a seat belt just grab on to that one thing that makes you smile and hold on tight and go along for the ride!

random bullshit!

life is nothing more than trail and error  .. the promises that we make is that of our own free will.. we make these grand movements to make someone else's life worth living all the while we let our own turn to dust that the raindrops just end up washing away ... we turn every glance that someone gives, every word that they say inward to our very souls yet we do not think when we speak to another in a manor that would rip the very fabric of our life.. for what some kind of release so that we can feel as though we can breath again ... I do not understand the world today .. nor do I even want to try anymore .. I cant give up on life but I can give up on love something that I don't feel is important enough to put forth the effort anymore!

Hmm have not blogged in a while!

 I really don't have nothing to say... Just that I'm so sick of stupid people .. I mean really I don't get it!! Why is the world full of them one would think that for every stupid person there is a smart one not to far behind. But I have come to find that a smart person is very hard to find! I have a few smart friends you know who you are! Do I think I am the smartest person in the world well huh yea sure I do we all think that at some point. But no really I am not that smart I am just me so fuck you if you think different! AHAH .. So here is the point  I am SMARTER THAN YOU! so deal with it lol

Sleep

Have you ever wanted to just drift off to sleep and never wake again.. I feel this way today... I am so sick and tired of people and their own drama. I hate to say it but my life is no fucking cake walk... In fact I have been through more shit than most and you really don't see me crying about it... I do however feel down and out about it sometimes .. but I don't think I have been one to bitch about every little thing that happens. I have been trying to see the brighter side of life, and come to terms with the fact that I like everyone else must some day die.. Whether I die sooner or later I don't know yet.. The way my health is looking today I feel that it shall come way sooner than later. But I am not scared in fact I welcome death.. I feel bad for those I will leave behind but again its part of life the one and only thing you are promised in life.. So today I want to sleep .. just sleep and dream a dream of nothingness ...

bucket list!

I am making a bucket list for reasons well that I wish not to share... the point is these are things I want to do in life and if I have a list I will be more likely to complete it! so in no particular order here it goes.
1. Finish my book
2. Go to Ireland and kiss an Irish man haha
3. Go to London and ride on the London eye ahah well I am scared to death of high places but I want to do it anyways.
4. Finish my videos/writings for Kennady
X5. fly in a plane(flew to Florida and back was
X6. fall in love with someone who will fall just as hard back! now this one well it will be hard to do but I shall keep trying till my last day on earth! (mayne got this one done)
X7. Give something of value to someone in need.( learned giving my wisdom to someone is just as valued as anything else in the world)
8. Go to Roma
X9. Learn to let go of things I do not need( I have let go of a lot of unneeded things)
/10. design and make my own pair of shoes haha this one would be so much fun(this gets half an x cuz I drew them up just have to make them?)
11. go to LA and walk down the street where all the movie stars stars are lol
12. see the Grand Canon
13. Vegas baby bet on black and let it ride!
14. go deep sea fishing
15. walk down a busy city street with one of those signs that say The End is Near haha just for laughs
16. take a photo with a famous person(would love it to be johnny depp but come on really, anyone will do haha)
17. test the balloon thing.. see how many balloon's it would take to lift my fat as up off the ground lmao a million prob.! ahah funny
18. hmm this one is stupid .. but jump off the roof with an umbrella while dressed like Mary Poppins haha that would be funny
19. ride a camel
X20. hmmm just came to me .. get a matching tatoo with a dear friend! any takers?(even thou she isn't my friend anymore we got matching tats)
X21. Hold an alligator
X22. eat alligator lol tasted ok i would eat it again lol

 I will keep everyone posted if I end up completing anything on this list.

Will you think of me?(not done?)

Will you think of me after I'm put into the icy cold dirt? Will you come bearing flowers, wearing black like all the widows that sulk at the tombs of their loved ones ...Will you kneel  before my grave and shed tears of sorrow, of love lost, of love that was never really found.. Will you weep in the night at your bedside, wishing to hold me once more.. will you still love me even after our last goodbye? Will you be able to stand before me and tell me that you never gave up on our love when we meet again on the golden glory of heavens hues...It pains me to leave you, but it gives me joy to have loved you.. So when all hope was lost you was my safeguard, my king, my love, my life.. I would have loved nothing more than to spend the rest of my days living at your side, giving you my heart and soul.

I am just me!

I look at myself.. I see nothing but fear... Fear of being alone.. The fear of my own myself! I am scared of what I am.. I am scared of who I will become.. I cant help but wonder where I will be tomorrow.. Dead or Alive?.. Will I make my mother proud of me? Will I get my father to see who I really am? Or will I burn with this shame... I with my tears.. Them with their doubts.. I with my empty love.. Them with their pride... I should just walk way from all this pain.. But I can't I would hurt them far more than they ever hurt me.. So I take their doubts and make them see who I really am...  I am not who they want me to be .. I am just ME!

Farewell(1998?)

Farewell to all... good night to I ... I shall not return tomorrow.. My wish was love and death came first... Goodnight, Good day, death within an hour.. Sweet life I do not have but I wish upon you.. for you can live on and love again, and please do not cry I'll away be by your side.

Rage

Something called RAGE..... Rage burning within me.. Killing me with NO end... Burning I must... Dying I do... Living no more... But you shall too... I have killed... I have loved... But RAGE no more... After I go.. I shall see... nothing but death all around me... I see you die and NO i will never cry... Not for love.. but for joy.. the pain I gave .. I gave you this will all my mind... Death is my gift.. now you shall always be MINE!

Aphrodite!

Aphrodite! Aphrodite!

Goddess of love

Hear my call:

Open up my eye's and let me see, what true love really means to me.

Aphrodite! Aphrodite!

Goddess of love

Open up my heart, so I can feel, the one true love, that is meant to be real.

Aphrodite! Aphrodite!

Goddess of love

Open up my mind so I can fine, the one who holds the other piece of my soul.

Aprhodite! Aphrodite!

Goddess of love

Hear my crys:

so I can seek the one I am meant to met!

untitled not done!

Bodies enfolding against the moon light; kisses felt so deep it moved the earth; soft flowing hands; intertwining our bodies forever; never have I wanted anyone thing this bad; Just to feel you rubbing up next to my skin; A stranger to my body yet you knew it so well; Ramming your life into mine; Embracing our fate becoming one.. a soul mate.. a lover

The love of my life!

I see the stars in the sky, soon it will be morn, the night you were born. I felt you come so silently into life, will you stay and see the morning light. The morning has come for your love. Beautiful colors of the dawn, oranges and reds, light the sky on this glorious day, and the birds and their pretty songs are singing high in the trees. Can you feel the joy, the joy you bung to my life. The soft sunbeams move across you darling face, And a slight hint of breeze running along your golden hair. The flowers are dancing among your little feet. The silky petals are blooming upon your sweet touch. All is right in the world at this moment in time. Your little life I hold in my hands. I will never fail you, I will always love you. And no matter what may come to be I will always be your mommy.

hmm too random for even me .. i got off track!!

death becomes her, its waiting just around the corner... will she go willingly or will she put up a fight.. A fight for life, is there really a point because he will catch up to her at some point right? He is watching and waiting for her to make her move.. So why not just go into the darkness with him... take his hand and go freely where no pain, no hurt, nothing can tough you. Nothing can bring you down... no one can make you feel as though there is no way out... You will feel free of everything that bring you down.... I only hope that one day death will find me and I will take his hand willingly and walk off into the darkness with him . lets just hope that he drops off into the light of heavens gate! At that door I will stand and be told the story of me, they may ask questions to see why I did, or said something that they felt was wrong... But in truth they already know the answer they seek... But I shall smile and say, My heart is yours and no one else's... I wonder if I will be able to walk into the gates of heaven .. I have done many wrong things in my life.. Yet loved God still... everyday I Thanked him for the blessing he gave. And  that promise of love will stay in my heart for the rest of time!

just wondering

I have this person on my mind most of the time .. and I don't know how to get them off of it .. I look at life and wonder how can you feel so much for a person who has no clue about their own feelings let alone yours. I try very hard not to push it to far to tell this person how I feel .. I mean don't get me wrong I have said thing that should have let them know just how I feel .. But I don't rub it in every single time we speak... I just wish the rest of the world was like me ... in the sense of I am open and honest about every part of my life with 90% of people yes some I bullshit with and don't get into details of things they have no business knowing but with some people I tell everything to .. every little thought no matter how crazy it sounds at the time.. No matter how they may react to the statement or comment that I make if they are a true friend they will understand what I mean and not judge me based on that comment or statement.. So how do you get someone else to be blunt and honest about how they feel... I mean its just a feeling rite? There is no rite or wrong way to feel it... u cant change how you feel... I mean you can .. you can try and make yourself happy when feeling blue... but underneath it all your still sad .... So lets tell it how it is here people its not that big of deal... BE HONEST lol I think that is the most miss used word in the dictionary... for the simple fact that people say oh I'm honest, or ya i honestly think this way or that way and they are full of shit!!

hm random

I had a convo with a person who I now think of as my friend(RICHARD) and he told me fate is everything that happens to you, what you go through, the good, the bad everything and that you have no control over it .. and freewill is how you decide to feel about it, about each situation... what you think and feel is up to you..And I agree with these statements for the most part. But I think in a way we are preconditioned to feel or think in certain ways about certain things. We look at someone killing another for whatever reason and we are told that's wrong no matter what. We look at someone in need of food to eat and we feel bad because that's what we was told... So I think, and feel different than othesr.. At least different than anyone I know..I have said this many time I wear my heart on my sleeve.. I feel pain much more than any other feeling. I was told by this friend that I subconsciously enjoy feeling the pain. And after thinking about this, maybe he is rite. When I am in "pain" and feeling down. I look to others to bring myself back up and even though it may only work for a few minutes it never takes the pain away fully. I know why my heart is full of so much pain but the hard question is how do I get it to go away for good, how can one learn to be happy after 28 years of sorrows.. If I have freewill then why cant I make my mind STFU about it and move on... And if fate is so powerful and has this control of your life why would it keep giving one person shit and another treasure? Because I have had enough of this shit life.. I do have blessings don't get me wrong. But how can I enjoy the blessing I do have when I cant feel the pleasures from it.

MOE RIP... wow this is an old on... 1999!

Tears of laughter,
Tears of joy,
Tears of heartache and pain,
Tears fall down like the rain,
remember that day,
the day you left with no words,
you just drifted away into the night,
like a soft breeze blowning gently apon the trees,
and in the midst of the silence,
I heard you call and the rain began to fall.

LMAO untitted

I thought you was different, I thought you was real.. You are nothing more than a liar like all the rest.. But I thought you just might past my test... All men are little bitch's can't you see.. We put are trust in you and you throw it in the sea... Men are big pigs, you know, yes you most of all... Sometimes I wish you would slip and fall; right down them their stairs; brake your neck or maybe more... Now I see how rude yall try to be.. And now I learned from my worst fear.. If I'm with a man I will shed to many tears! No more tears I shall cry because of you, Goodbye! Good day! Parting is sweet yet till the bitter end I shall never love you again!

untitled

emptiness, lost, no love, nor pain, nor nothing to gain... I am so alone, so afraid... now I'm bitter and cold hearted.. I put all of me in the belief of you and you just killed my hopes and dreams... I sit here in my little house, with my little pills wondering how many it would take to kill away the pain or to kill me.. I'm sure  its only a very fine line between the two.... So me and my little magic white pills will be together soon... I am assuming this is the end of us along with the end of me! I am done with living in this bad dream, no one dare wake me, no one dare love me, so don't dare cry for me when I'm gone!

The darkness

the darkness consumes me, even the little shadows that once danced around the room have started to go away... I just sit here in the darkest hours of the night like I'm waiting for someone or something to set me free... I used to be able to see a reflection in the glass across the way but even now it has begun to fade into the night with the shadows... with the darkness I sit .. with the darkness I am.. My long blond hair, now grey... Yet I still sit alone in the night, with the darkness taking whats left of my life.

The Garden

In the garden as the flowers grow
my heart weeps like the willows
as my tears fall down like the rain
it waters the garden but not the pain

my love for you was like a sweet red rose
and now the petals are withered and dark
just like my poor not beating heart

where did all the flowers go
why doesn't my garden grow
does my heart beat again
can it grow from within

the door to my garden and my heart was locked long ago
with a key that shall never be found
that maybe buried deep, deep, down under the icy ground
thy door never opened for the light to warm
thy garden and thee heart shall never love, so all is warned

a poem i guess?

My heart aches when it thinks about you... Knowing I will never again hold you or look into your eyes.. It takes my breath away... I do not want to breathe without you... I keep holding onto this idea of someone out there that is just like me and I thought I found that person in you.. Now I see that I was lost yet again.. I went down the wrong path..I feel to deeply.. to quickly..But this time I thought it was real...I am wrong yet again.. I am no longer confused I see the light at the end of the tunnel.. I feel the warmth of the sun moving across my face.. my eyes weep with tears for what could have been.. my heart aches with fears of what may come to be.. But I will always have faith in knowing that you never loved me.. Love is a word.. it is a feeling.. to feel it as I do.. so deep.. so hard and painfully true... I needed love to fill my heart and soul to be free of my mind... my mind is trying to kill me, to pull me down... down below where the pain lives inside my dark soul... I hurt so bad and I couldn't find no release than I met you and my heart began to weep, it overflowed with hopes and dreams... Of being something more than I seemed..

y cant i get this rite? someone help

As the moonlight moves across the Goddess face, saddness overwhelms her, she weeps for the love that was lost, she ponders the words she never got to say. Alone in the garden of hopes and dreams she stares at the roses that are in full bloom. She reaches to touch the soft white pedals a thorn catches her finger and bright red blood drops down on to the bloom and turns the rose red! Just then as she sat in the dark, the only light coming from the mood a light snow began to fall.

Question! huh i am so tired dnt kno about this one random!!

A Goddess sitting alone in a garden, nothing to do but sit and wait.. wait for the time when she is called down from the heavens to earth to open the hearts of mankind. She watches the people as they kill each other... she ponders why must a man take anther's life, when it is not his to take? Another man is on the street corner getting high and drunk alone in the night, and again she ponders why a man would put those things in his body... She watches as a young girl is being told how pretty, and sexy she is as she is being raped by a man who is off his rocker.. and yet again she ponders to why this man has to take from this young girl.... I have pondered these things in fact myself. I am sure we all have.. And the only conclusion I can make is that man kills another because he is scared to kill himself. Man gets high and drunk because he is to scare to really live. And man takes from women because he had no love or respect for her. I been thinking about life a lot here of late. And I cant seem to get this thought out of my head. Why was I put here, in these time and place. I have been though so much more any most people could even dream of and all of this was before the age of 12, I have died and tried to kill myself so many times that I can not honestly give you a real number. Yet God leaves me here for what? What is the reason... I have no answers other than the fact that I know one day it will all come into light and that day will be glorious... I get this feeling that I am to help others, but I just cant figure out how to do so .. at least not yet.. I am writing a book about my so called life and the trials and tribulations I have been though it will shock some and other will think wow that's why she is so crazy... So to each their own let hope that someday we learn why we are here and  why we had to go though all that we did ... let hope that we fine we was here for something more than just to live... to help someone else grow and become a stronger person than that we were at their age .. Or that we just needed to learn a lesson of some kind... I think I have learned one to many lessons and I am tried of learning I just want to move on and help teach someone else! ahah

Awake my soul!

I truly have been awakened today! I am no longer in the dark of the night, I am standing in the sun and its warmth fills my soul with this joy that I have never felt before. You thought you could bring be down to my grave, when if anything I would never let someone bring me to point of no return! I'm back! Back to the self I once new and I am sick of caring whether someone cant handle the truth, I have been honest with everyone else but myself. I kept lying to myself about who I thought I was. This may sound confusing but I used to be someone who acted like they didn't care even though I did yet at the same time I didn't .. So here is the truth! I laugh at you and whatever power you think you had over me. In all reality I am not this needy person. I need nor want nothing but for someone to give me their whole heart. And the sad thing is now that I think back about two men that I shared my life with for so long, first Joshua he did love me, because if he didn't he wouldn't have been so hurt when I told him I didn't love him. And Nickolas poor Nickolas! He loves me with every bit of his being, because if he didn't, doing all that I did to him he would have walked away along time ago. Yet to this day just about 10 minutes ago in fact he told me he feels lost without me and that he misses me. And to be honest I do miss him too. I do love him but I never let him in fully because I was scared of being hurt. I find that funny, that I could be so stupid to try and let someone else in that wanted nothing to do with me yet I couldn't let the father of my son truly in. I am sick in the head I think.. haha no I know I am .. I  now need to find out what it is I am to do.... I do not want to be married. I do not want to be with anyone right now. Just me and my son.. I rather die alone than hurt Nickolas more than I already have. I found that if you look into yourself you will always have the love that you need. Love can not break your heart it can only make it grow and open to the new ideas, hopes and dream that you have!

hmm Death? really??

First I wanna give a Shout out to Princess D!! *SHOUT* lol... She and I was just talking about death and I told her that its the only thing that God promises us while we are here. We are not promised food, nor shelter, clothes, money, friends, love... none of that stuff... The good things in life are worked hard for.. and to be honest here, I don't see the point in working hard for something that you will lose in the end. Because guess what people you cant take any of this shit with you.. Not your car that you spent 50,000 on which by the way you know how many kids that money could have gave food too... You cant take your house, you cant take your clothes or those 2000 a pair of shoes! haha that 2500 handbag you been "dying" to buy. The point is you are here to learn, to love, to find a place in this world, to get ready for the next. People die every single second in this world. Can you imagine that every single second .. wow thats crazy right, cause like 5000 people died just now as I was writing this. I find it really hard to believe that someone would give up on life, to not really live it, to give up on love..for work, to make that money that everyone wants so badly. Why money? its green, its the dirtiest thing on earth and well its just plan ugly and causes nothing but issues! I find it pointless, I mean yes you have to eat, you have to drink(I prefer vodka) but you have to have these things to live in this world. I wonder what it was like back in the day where everyone traded... Like I have some cows, and you have some chickens so I will give you some milk for some eggs and then you have corn and I have beans so we trade again.. Why cant life be that simple.. NO we are so stuck on this age of wanting and consuming its really killing us faster. People have become lazy, the cells phone we hold to our heads every day are giving us cancer, the TV and fast food is making us fat .... So I say we fight for life! here and now we make a stand! Lets not let the world run us anymore lets run the world! I know so many people who are sick .. hell I am sick .. of what who fucking knows. But I am fighting for me and I keep telling them to fight for themselves because in some fucked up strange way life is worth fighting for... Maybe for the love that could be shared between two people even if for a day! Even if its just a kind word from a stranger.. Life is worth so much more than what we have been giving it... So back to my point ..Death is coming and we are all sitting on our fat asses just watching and waiting for him to knock on the door.. Well guess what when he comes knocking on mine I am locking the font and slipping out the back! I ain't going down without a fight! And I hope that all who read this feel the same way... Cause I have said this so many times before .. When life gives you lemons get some damn vodka mix that shit up and lets party!

The idea behind love?

Okay so everyone has their own idea of what love is to them, of how it would look and feel when they are in it. My idea for love is a little different than most because I don't have to have someone that is so sexy, or handsome that I cant take my eyes off them.I rather have brains! huge huge BRAINS! . My idea of love is ... sitting at the table in the morning, we are reading the paper taking turns on different parts, we will glance up from our papers to take a sip of coffee or tea, or oj lol and we just give each other a look.. just a look .. that says so much with out a single word. The kind of love that you don't have to say "I love you" every single day to know its true and real. The kind of love in which we can drive around the city in our car, just driving and again a glance, a smile says all the words that don't need to be said. And when we kiss its just feels so right, like you never could even imagine kissing another person for the rest of your life. To know that each day counts because you never know when that day will come to be that you must say goodbye, and that day will be the worse day of your life. To lose the one person you couldn't dream of living without. To feel that way just once in my life was my dream.. But now I see that I don't need that kind of love or any kind of love to be me and to be happy... I am just going along for the ride right now and I'm going to breathe it all in and enjoy ever second of it! Make each day count... Make each day worth living and moving on to the next! If I ever do find that love I will embrace it whole heartily I will not put my wall back up I think this time I will keep it down though it may hurt now, someday I will be grateful for the one who broke it open.

Alone?

I keep saying I'm tired of being alone! well I'm so not alone.. I have so many friends and family that love me and like being around me.. They respect me as the person I choose to be. But more importantly even if they were never around, even if I sat "alone" in the darkest hours of the night I then to would still not be truly alone. I know so many people who don't really believe in God or a higher power, but I do! I believe there is so much more to life than we could ever imagine. When we walk we do not walk alone, when we cry he/she catches our tears, when we need a hug he/she is always there to embrace us as we are. Never no judgement. Just love and understanding. Its sad really, because most people try so hard to get all those feelings from another person, to not be judged, to be understood, to be loved.. when we cry we want to be held and told that everything will be okay. But we will never find all that in just one person that is inless you dont count yourself!!

the past.. grr sucks!

Something I thought I was over and done with .. yet i keep dwelling in the past... I had so many hopes and dreams for the future yet I get stuck in this medieorc present. I know the only thing in the future you can count on is death and heart ache. So to feel so strongly about something that you have no control over is pointless.

boo... this one kind of sucks too gtrrrrrr

I can smell the sweet smell of the blossoms on the trees as the morning sun raises above the them. Something about dawn that makes everything smell sweeter, and look prettier. even the trash heap with bee's flying around the bin has this look about it in the golden glory of the morning sun. Its true ecstasy to watch as the sun rises higher in the sky of night as it turns into dawn. I love this feeling, its as though you see the world for what it is,... like its the first time every time.

BLAH! stupid stupid thoughts!

To truly know oneself is to live.... to love another is to die a little each day, in knowing that love kills slowly and so painfully, cause breathe can not fill your lungs fast enough when their around...

GAY ASS SHIT!!

genuine passion starts with a look, a touch a feeling of more than lust..... it would be divine to fall asleep and to awake next to you ... its numberless the days I cant seem to count, on how many I wished for this... and wanted this more than anything else... your my guardian of the night, the holder of hearts and souls.. I become a snowflake upon your touch I melt... Ah to be next to you would be something that dreams are made of!

thoughts!

I could see the storm growing in the distance.. the terror moves across my face... i grieve next to the streetlamp.. as the feathers of the swans fall around me .. I embrace for the storm as it get closer.. i return to my childhood fears as it sits in my soul...To know that terror, to know its all about to end makes it hard to breathe, hard to move.... I cant just stand here and watch as the rain starts to fall... I want to run but something hold me here to this spot... I cant seem to find the time to move to stand, to sit, to hold on to anything around me... Everything is flying .. flying so fast.... its almost here I feel it starting to lift me up as the heavens part... will I stay or will I go!

Devour me hmm dnt like the ending of this one! someone help lol

To be devoured by you in me, to feel that love you set me free... to know the truth that lies inside your soul... this unexpected thing happen to me by knowing you ... i now know me! you make me feel vulnerable yet oddly enough you make me enjoy that feeling of being lost and confused... I know nothing but to want you ..to hold you .. to feel that you want me too ... I want! I need !! you to devour me to take it all in.. to love me with no end.. the faithful and true hearts that lie .. deep down .. deep down inside... where the soul hides in wait for your love to set it free .. can it only be that that simple for you to love me... I think not there for I am going to be alone and damned the rest of this life time ... Which hurts me more knowing I will never have your love than knowing it for a life time and losing it in the end ...

Surrender(wrote a week ago just now posting)

Surrender to me, to my love against the night, with the moon shining bright above. My time has come to image much more than hopes of happiness.. My thoughts get lost along the cold keys I type. I cant succumb to this pleasure of wanting you .. Yet I give it freely, my time, my heart, my dreams. My ALL! And you give me nothing but a short lived smile on my tear filled face. For those moments I long for, just to hear you say my name, to hear u speak those words.. To show me what truth of love really is... Can you be the one to show me what it is I seek? Or am I indeed wrong to want to love you and want you to love me in return.. My heart beats in the rhythm of your steps but the question is are you  moving closer to me or away.. This question makes my heart want to stop so i can sit in the silence of you and find where it is you are going to be. Oh !! to hope, to dream of you fills my whole body with warmth and in that warmth my cold icy heart starts to melt, just at the sound of you breathing your hot life into me.... I need for you to breath a little faster, a little harder melt my heart once and for all!

hmm a poem maybe

I took a journey, in the twilight of hours, the reflections of the blackbirds shadow silently fly in the sky. I shall journey to the end of my time in the shadows of others... forcing myself to not feel ashamed of who I pretend to be. I was real with you, I was just me. I thought you would awake me from my this life I called a bad dream. And now they are telling me my time has come to an end, for once I am upset at the idea because I had just fallen into me. I am sorry for those who loved me, I am sorry for those who will never get a chance to know me. My pain was almost gone you opened my heart, my mind,my soul... The only tears that fell was in joy. Oh! to have joy in my life it is as though my heart skipped a beat just hearing you say my name. And now it had come to that time again to say goodbye to bid farewell to I.....

RANDOM!!! REALLY

Well, I have come to realize that life has plans for you whether you believe in fate or destiny. I am going with the flow of things for once in my life and Im really like where this road is taking me. Its not dark and scary like all other roads I have been down... This one is bright and colorful, with huge green trees, amazing smelling flowers. And I dont see any signs that say it has a dead end, only new and fresh beginnings. I have wanted to see a road like this for so long, no forks, no bends just straight and narrow. I rather enjoy the peace that i feel while walking along side you down this road. Let hope it stays this sweet forever! Because you give me the peace and calmness that I have been waiting for, for the last oh I dont know 28 years!

well well well

I cant believe what just happen .. I am so pissed but then I talked to u and u make me feel so much better. I have never been so happy just to hear ur voice. I want to love u unconditionally for the rest of our life's! I rather enjoy being this happy and I dnt wanna lose it! I can tell im growing as a person because of u.. u r helping me see how joyful life really can be! Thank you ... I really do have so much love for u!

ah! love wtf is with me today??

I love the smile that lights your face,
Love the warmth
Of your embrace.. I love the sound of your
Voice that says "I care"... love
Each little joy we share! I love..
Your way of being so sweet,
Of making my life feel so complete .. of
Understanding, as you do... I love you because your you!

hmm another poem of sorts

In everything you hope or do, I'll encourage and believe in you. For your every joy in my joy too. You will always have my love.... You don't have to keep your doubts inside, there is nothing that you cant confide, you will always have my love... No matter what, no matter where, you can count on me and I'll be there, to understand to show you I care, You will always have my love...

hmmmm a poem of sorts

Love speaks a language all its own without a word or sound. It start deep in the heart where all true happiness if found. More and more, it seems we share a language all our own. A bond, an understanding meant for you and me alone. More and more , I'm finding out just how joyful love can be. For each day we grow closer. For you will always mean the world to me.

WOW! to LIE

I just post to my fb that humans have this predisposed genetic factor about them for lying. Most people tell lies every single day. I however dont feel that its important to hid the truth no matter how much the truth may hurt. If I dont agree or state the obvious to me thats not really lying. But to know the truth that someone seeks and to bluntly lie about that truth is wrong. I have always took pride in finding the truth in others. And now I see that sometimes no matter how hard you try, no matter how much love you can have for another person. The truth is sometimes never told! It hurts me more to hear your lies than it ever could to hear your truths. Why cant people just be honest.. its really not that hard of a concept. Is it? I mean to know how someone feels I mean really feels deep down in their heart is truth. To not know and keep them guessing would be a lie? If that is the case I guess I am lied to every single day by the one person I hoped would always tell me the truth.

REALLY??

Ok so I am sitting here minding my own business when my phone rings. It was my baby daddy lmao asking me some of the stupid questions. I dont get how someone who seemly has a brain can ask dumb things like that. I know, I know they say there are no stupid questions. But what if the person who is doing the asking is in deed stupid themselves so wouldnt that make the question in fact stupid just because they are the ones asking it? LMAO Please to understand that I dont feel like Im the smartest person in the world nor do I act like I am. However I do have a brain, and I used it and sometimes it will not shut off. I mean shit it works ahha... I love the fact that I have met someone who is smarter than me. Its a first! I really find it hard to believe that there is a man out there that is so much smarter than me and he understand the words I say, and the way in which I say them. Cuz lets be honest sometimes I confuse even myself! But no matter how confusing  I can b its like he get its and that the best feeling in the world! <3

Thats so RANDOM!

I keep having this dream over and over and over again! I don't understand why what is this dream trying to tell me? Okay so here is the dream. I am a woman in the 1600's or so, I'm very happy and care free, I live with my two sisters, we are all young and very beautiful, I am the youngest. I appear to be about 17ish. My dream starts with us(my sisters and I) dancing in the mood light naked. Which is a little odd but hey whatever. It looks like we are doing some kind of Wicca ritual or something IDK. But then it shifts into we are in a house, very cute small cottage. We are lying in our beds when the door gets busted open these men come running in throwing our things around, grabbing us up out of our beds. The man that grabs me looks at me in a way that brings shivers to my very soul in the here and now. They are dragging us out of the house into the yard. They are yelling at us "you witch's! you witch's killing our flocks" we are begging them to stop, begging them to let us go. Telling them we are not witch's! I guess they didn't believe us because the dream shifts again and we are ties to a large pole all three sisters right in a row. I was the first or last pending on how you look at it. There was  so many people just standing there watching us, yelling at us that we were whores, and witches that we will be damned by God. And they are spiting at us, some throwing rocks. I was very scare, I could honestly feel what this "me" in my dream was feeling. The next thing I know they was lighting us on fire. They started with the oldest of us, and as she burned I could feel the heat, I could smell her burning flesh. Next the middle sister, the heat was unbearable, I knew I was next and I was begging them to please let me go, they just laughed and told me to be quiet witch. Right before they lite my fire, I yelled I am a witch, a powerful one! You all shall suffer the rather of me and my sisters, I then said something in a language that I do not understand. But they lite me up anyways. I could smell my flesh melting off, I could feel the pain of my body bursting into flames. It was very painful. Right as I was about to wake up, I could see a blue light, wow it is the most amazing light that I have ever seen. And then I wake up, but the crazy thing about this is when I wake up my skin is very hot to the touch, my body feels as though I am about burst into flames, Yet at the same time I feel blessed to be alive. SO! what in the world could this dream mean? I have been having it sense I was 14ish. Every time its the same. Nothing ever changes. So I have no clue if maybe it was a past life that I cant seem to get over, maybe its a metaphor for I'm playing with fire and I will get burned if I don't do something different in my life. But how can I be doing that's so bad? I have been "burnt" twice in my life but only in my love life, and I have had this dream long before and long after both of them so that cant be it cant it? Well I don't know but I am kind of sick of having it.

Thinking of you!

I cant help but think of you all day and night. To hear your voice brings a smile to my face. It hurts from smiling for so long. But I cant help but wonder what the truth is. When we talk we both sound so happy about it and we have the best convos in the world better than i have ever had that is. But I get a strange feeling sometimes that your not being honest with me. Just little things that bring question to my mind. And I dont want to question anything when it comes to knowing you. All I want is the truth and to be with you. I could so see myself falling madly in love with you, and spending the rest of my life with you. I get this feeling from you when we speak that you feel the same. But as soon as we hang up man here comes the pain I get so sick to my stomach and I wanna break down in tears. But as soon as you call me or text me I feel just fine. How can someone whom I have never even laid eyes on have so much power over me?

some wht of a poem I wrote still working on it

My heart aches with feelings that it has never felt before.
My body yearns for him with every word that he speaks.
My soul trembles with the thought of him running his fingers through my jet black hair and down my spine. Oh how I wish you were mine.
My eye gaze upon him as if they never before seen the light of day.
I want to look so deeply into those eyes, to know what secrets hid inside.
Let me in, let me know. Could you be the one I been waiting for.
Could you be the one that breaks down the walls of my heart that I have been
hiding away for so long.

Okay thats all I got so far.. like I said still working on it.

Random!

I been writing a lot in my journal.. .Its been a while sense I blogged! I been investing a lot of time into this very great guy. In which I rather enjoy the conversation with . He gives me strength beyond myself. He puts a smile on my face no matter the words he speaks. I feel confused in my thoughts. I am trying not to move to fast, I want to take my time in getting to know him. But what of time, I feel as though I have known him forever! I want to know him in every way a woman can know a man. I want to look deeply in his eyes and feel the comfort of his warm embrace. Is it wrong to want to love someone. To just be near them? I don't know how long it will be before I meet him but I need it to be now. How fast can one fall in love? Can you fall so deeply and fast that it sweeps u off your feet. Well I am sure you can. But I wouldn't want to assume he feels the same way. And I am to scared to ask him such a question. What do I say, Huh I know we have only been talking for like two weeks but I think I love you, do you think you love me too? ahaha sound stupid to even say it in my mind or typing it out in this blog. I have never really been on to fall this deeply this fast and it be more than lust, because I could hold him for the rest of my life and never even try and have sex with him. Not that I don't want to make love to him. It just that's not what I really want from him. I feel so confused. I just wish there was a way of knowing how he feels with out having to look stupid and asking him. On that note I have never felt so creative before. I have all these thoughts and ideas just flowing out of my mind,  and I know its because of him its like he is my muse. AHA what of love or happiness can this be real for once in my life?

Finding me!(again older just now posting)

I set out many years ago on a path that I thought would end with me being happy with who I am. Now I have learned that I was only faking this feeling of happiness. Now I have this strong urge to find who I am. I need so much for that feeling of true happiness. Where does one even find that? I assumed one would find it with another person, but now I see you have to find it inside yourself. I have looked deep down in my soul and now I see that I cant be happy in life till I set myself free of all the pain that I hid inside my heart and soul for so long. I really cant bare to live with that pain. I have had a little while now of knowing who I am. And I like me no better yet I love me. I am ready to love with my whole heart for once in my life. Now if I can only find someone that will let me in to give them that love I been holding back on for so long.

A film for thought?(kind of old tht i saved and just now posting)

I love movies very one who knows me knows this fact about me.. I always find a way to relate a movie to my life.. .Well one of my best friends gave me a movie to watch a few weeks ago called Fire Proof ... It was a good movie as far as story and the idea behind it.. that if you only see things from the others point of view you can help become or grow closer in your relationship. HOWEVER!!  this idea that God will damn you to hell if you change your mind about your marrage. How can God damn you for making a mistake, when you have tired for so long to make it work, to understand the other person, to feel their pain to love them to just be with them? I dont get that one bit. Because in my eyes people make mistakes everyday, yes when you marry someone it should be ever lasting but sometimes you dont see that mistake while your making it. I have been married twice, thus far in my life. The first time we was together for 6 years, I met him when I was 16. I was young and stupid and thought I knew all about all ahahahah was I wrong on that note! We did nothing but fight, we would yell at each other about something everyday. He did sometimes take it a little to far and do things to me that no man should do or say to a woman let alone their wife. And I ended up hurting him very bad in the end, and he left. But the door closing in my life opened up a window and when I crawled into that window I never thought I would be here standing at another cross road again. I never thought I would marry again, yet I did and I never thought I would get divorced yet again. But my point is without knowing how wrong it was to love my first husband, I would have never let him go and if he never would have left God would have never blessed with my son, and he is my world I would not trade him for anything or anyone in the world. So I am saying that everything happens for a reason and you have no way of knowing what that reason is till its in your lap so to speak. Again like I said I am standing on the edge of a cross road and I am trying to make my mind up about where or how to do this next step of my life. I have never wanted to be one of those people who gives up on something they love but I truly feel that there is something or someone out there in this messed up world that is my better half. That this person will be "the one" I just hate the fact that I must hurt another person in order to please myself. I just want love like you see in the movies .. I want to feel it so strong that you would rather die then not have that person in your life

why must it be so black and white??

I was standing there this morning watching as the sun rose above the trees, and I had one of those Ah ha! moments. I thought to myself why must somethings in life be black and white. Where is the color? When we come into this world screaming and yelling its like the sun rise, we come so colorfully into this world with colors of the dawn bright and new. And when we leave its like the sunset, the colors fade into the night sky. And nothing but darkness awaits us. I wonder why we cant see, or feel that color when we are here. We all want to live in this world happy and free pain and sorrows, the only pain we want to feel is when we go to the next life not for choices we make, not for the love we lost, but for the love we left behind. I know everyone has wondered what the meaning of their life really is but there is no way to know while we are here. I am sure when we get to where we are going it will come to be, that we see all and know all. I am not asking God to give me all the answers to life's questions. I just want to understand why I feel so deeply about things that we can not change. I have grown to this amazing person that I feel I am. I feel new, and loved, yet sad and hurt. All I ever wanted was love yet pain came and went leaving nothing but sorrow behind. I have given all that I am to those around me leaving myself behind. I now have found that I dont need anyone else to make me feel that love, that I wanted or needed for so long. I have always loved myself truly and deeply. I have no regrets, because I love who I am and where I am. I think of my life, my past and I have hurt many people. I have lost friends, I have lost family many time along my road to finding me and who I am. I do not feel bad, I do not wish I could have changed anything. I am sorry for what I have done or the way I did or said the things. However If things where never said, things would have never changed. I would not be who I am. So my question is.... Why must life be black and white? Where are the colors we was born with. I look at my son, and I see how he sees the world around him. He may only be two but he sees all the color that I have lost. I cant help but wonder how I can get that color back. How can I see the things in life that I used to be able to see.  I have been in the dark for long now, when I met you I thought I could see a ray of sunshine in my dark empty world. And now it has faded. But there is new colors coming in to sight, a rainbow. I am unsure whether it is real or just a fantasy. But I am going to do anything I can to try and bring that color back into my life. My son, has turned my night sky into a sunny day, and I am so grateful he came into this world, the sun maybe out in my world but there is still no color, no green on the trees, no blue in the sky, but this rainbow I see is getting closer to me. I hope and pray that it is real. I do not want to go back into the darkness. But if I must I will go with a smile on my face because of the joy you made me feel while you was around. So now I guess I will just sit and while for the rainbow to shine.

Whats the deal with Love? 2/18/2011

I am so lost right now, I cant help but have this feeling that I am being lied to. But how do I know for sure. Do I spy on him do I ask him friends. I have dealt with this kind of thing before but it blew up in my face. Its like the quote from Shakespeare WHEN my love swears that she is made of truth,
I do believe her, though I know she lies,.. I mean when you just know that someone is lying to you and you cant do nothing to prove it. What do you do keep asking the same questions over and over till you think you get the right answer? There is no easy way to tell. In less you look into their eye's but if that can't happen then how can you tell. I hate being lied to... I cant stand it. I just wish that people would be honest all the time. Which will never happen. If it did I would be very worried! ahah... So love, what is love if you go to dictionary.com you will find that love means a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire. Now how can they lump in sexual passion and feeling of affection for a child or friend in the same area. I understand that you can feel love for all of the above, but passion and sexual desire I find in a whole different area then love. To me love mean to want to be with that person, to stand by them when they walk though the fires of hell. Ah to love to truly love I dont think I will ever have the pleasure of know that feel. At least not in the way I would want it.. TO love so deeply it moves the earth!

Goodbye

I am so pissed right now... I am sick of fighting with you! I understand that you are you and I am me and the = pain haha.. But why must you make everyday a living hell for me? I have tired to love you. I tried to be a good wife, and friend. Yet I feel as though you spit in my face. I do all I can for you, to try and make you happy. All you do is yell and scream. When we fight it doesnt just hurt me, it hurts your son. I am sick of it.. Why must we keep going down this road of heartache and pain

Bad IDEA!! (warning must be 18 to read)

Ok So I am crying right now because I am so pissed off... I cant get over the fact that here I am doing all that I can for you and all you wanna to is be a jerk to me. You talk to me for 5 damn seconds! If you liked me or loved me or care anything for me you wouldnt do that to me, knowing how I feel about you. I am falling so madly and deeply in love with you and your turning you back on me BITCH PLEASE! I am over it stop playing your little fucking games with me and be REAL or is that a word u have never heard of before? I am guessing the answer to that is "I dont know what your talking about"... Well get this.. I am so sick of getting walked on by everyone that comes into my life. I am so sick of losing everything and EVERYONE that I love. I opened up to you and was "real" told you things that no one else knows. Now I know why I always kept to myself, Now remember why I have always pushed people away. Because of this feeling that I dont like! I dont want to feel this way anymore .. I am so tired! I am so scared! I am tired of feeling pain and heartache. I am scared of any dreams that I have because why dream them when you can do nothing to make them happen. I am just sick of being me in this fucked up world! If it was not for my son I would have been gone a long time ago.  I just want to be FREE  I want to feel like Im worth something to someone other than MYSELF! Yea they say its more important to love who you are and love yourself no matter what.. then it is to have love from others. Well I say FUCK that I have loved myself for so long, I just want to know what real love feels like from another FUCKING person .. Is that really to much to ask for?? I am just overwhelmed about how much love sucks! You are damned if you do and your damned if you dont... But why does it have to be that way.. Cant you just find that right person and love them and them love you back no worries no fights... Just to be happy in the arms of another human being... Thats what everyone longs for the warmth of a human embrace, to feel connected to another heart and soul .. To scream inside and the person you love hear you and feel your pain and come rush to your side... I mean come on what is wrong with the world today there has to be love like that.. There has to be someone for everyone.. I hoped that person was you.. I really did.. I wanted to love you with every ounce of my heart and soul, to be with you .. To make you the happiest man in the world .. To just be there for you for anything you could ever want or need... So fuck it right.. its over now.. Im done .. you have my heart and a piece of my soul keep it its yours I dont want it back! ....Ok Im done .. I am not even going to read this shit, im just going to post it .. I dont even care right now what it says!!! I am sure knowing me it says some fucked up shit that I will regret later but oh well FUCK IT!

Third Eye Blind - Jumper with Lyrics

Ah to be a mother!

A friend posted an interesting question on her facebook today! She asked how someone who really wants children and would love them and care for them had difficulty in conceiving them and these woman who have no business having one child are having four or five? Well I thought about this for a few moments and I think its a great question. Coming from someone who was told at a young age(15) that it was highly unlikely that I would ever get pregnant or carry a fetus to term. I dealt with that information in my own way but the thought of having a child never left my mind. I did have some cysts removed when I was sixteen, because I was in so much pain and they had gotten so large I guess my gynecologist was worried about my well being. I then found that I have PSOD in my right ovary, and my left one pretty much does not work. A normal ovary and tube bend down but mine is special I guess, my tube is folded in half and my ovary itself if on top of where it should be. If I could drawl you a picture I would haha. But to put it in other words, even if my ovary did produce an ovum(egg) it probably wouldnt be able to slide down the tube to get to my uterus, and if it did more than likely It would have been damaged by trying to squeeze itself though the tube. I honestly never thought I would even get pregnant and that deeply upset me. The one thing that I wanted most in this life was to be a mommy, I am sure there are very few women in this world that grows up asking God to please dont let them have children they dont want them they dont need them. In 2000 two weeks before my birthday on September 23rd, I started the day happy and joyful, I thought I was having my normal period. It was the day my sister in-laws mother was getting married and I was helping out doing anything I could. Well by mid afternoon, I was in so much pain I couldnt do much of anything. I stuck it out and tryed my best to enjoy what was left of the day. When I got home I got in bed. I was hurting so bad at this point I thought I was dying. I started to pass these huge blood clots. I was so scared I woke up my mother and told her, at first she was like whatever your find your just getting another cyst so your period is heavy. She gave me a hydocodone and told me to lay back down. But I couldnt It hurt to lay, it hurt to stand, it just hurt! I went back to the bathroom and passed another huge clot and I woke my mother again, I had her look at it this time. Now she is freaking out not knowing what was going on. She takes me to the hospital. Oh the way there I am vomiting, I feel dizzy, and faint. I honestly thought I was about to dye. We then find out that I was pregnant about 3-5 weeks along. I was losing this baby that I didnt even now I was carrying. I thought how could this happen to me. Why did it happen. I thought about it for a really long time and I blamed my ex, still do in fact. Two days before I was at the hospital knowing what was going on, and one day before I started what I thought was my period, he and I got into a fight and he hit me very hard in the stomach. I had a picture perfect fist shape bruise right under my bellybutton. I honestly dont know if him hitting me caused this or if it was just not meant to be. So long story short, I am a Mommy he will be two very soon. He is the best thing that has ever happen to me I wouldnt trade him for all the money, gold or anything not even Johnny Depp hahah... So my thoughts on the question she asked... I think everything happens for a reason, that babies are born to do something in this world. These young girls who know nothing about life but how to open their legs are having this kids for a reason. This child may need to be born into that kind of life to learn, to grow, to be something more. And girls that want nothing more than to be a mother that cant maybe they are meant to save one of those children from their bio-mothers. I just know that we as humans will never understand how life really works. Not till we get to where we are going and we have the change to ask God why, or how, or who.. I personally never really or should I say I try not to questions Gods plans for me.(thats a whole different blog) My final thought.... Just look around at what you have, not what you need, or what you want. But the things God has blessed you with already. And dont worry to much life because God will give you what you need, you only have to look between the line.. My favorite quote is "Never take like to seriously because you will never get out alive" I dont know who wrote it but I love it... Its the quote of my life.

To speak or not to speak that is the question!

I went to see a man who does these picture readings. He is a psychic and a very good one on that note. You pick a color of paper, then u write your name on the bottom. You then hold it in your hands for a few minutes than he takes it and moves it over a flame. He then reads the picture that appears. Mine however was so breathtaking. He told me I need to "talk" I need to speak and be myself not to try and be my mother, my grandmother, my aunt. That I look at myself as if im in a mirror world that I dont truly see myself for who I am. Which is very true. That I am getting better at being me. I do feel as if I am getting better the last few months has really changed who I feel that I am. The last two years has changed me as well but in a different way. He said I need to look at myself in  pictures because thats who I am thats the real me. He also asked if I had a brother who passed away, at first I said no, but then I said yes I did its been so long sense I have even thought of him it was a shock to me. He said asked if my son was named after him I said no he is named after my father. He then said he died in a very tragic way which was true, and he said that I(me) didnt know all the details of what happened and I said no I dont and he said He(my brother) didnt want me to know. But he said he was around us all time, and if my son acts like he is talking to someone that its just him helping guide him to do all the things he never got the chance to do. He then said that if I see flowers in strange places that, that is my sign that he is around me. I know a lot of people dont believe in people who can tell you things like this but I find it very interesting. I can feel what other feel at time and I wish I knew more like why they felt that way. So my title is to speak or not to speak ahah. I am open to speaking on line just on in person, and I dont understand why this is. When I am with my friends and some family I am very open to speaking with them. But when it comes to people I dont know its hard because I'm always scared to say the wrong thing, I do not want to seem stupid. I sometimes say things that upset people I do that a lot and my mother always told me if I have nothing nice to say then dont say anything at all. So thats what I have been doing for the last 28 years is keeping my mouth shut. And now I am just going to speak ahha I dont know how well this will work out but it might.

The truth that lies inside

Ha! I made my title the truth that "lies" inside because we all have some truth yet we all lie.. This is my first blog and I dont want to get to in depth with it. I look at life in a strange way, I see the truth behind all the lies that people think they are getting away with. I will not lie! I have lied before but I do try my very best to always tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. That is a funny thing in this day and age, everyone has this big problem with telling lies, big lies, white lies, its still lying! If someone ask me a general question I do my best to be honest. But thats just the kind of person I am. I  have started this blog only because I have so many ideas, and thoughts that I must get out of my head before it drives me crazy. Let the truth set me free so to speak. I am at a point in my life where I need something more. I am almost 29 years old and I have yet to do anything that I planned! I wanted to travel the world, and fall so deeply in love(which is a whole different blog) I wanted a child which I have received and I thank God everyday for my little man. He means the world to me. However as I get older I am so scared of life, I never thought I would be at this point. When I was younger I thought I would have been done with Medical School by the time I was 30, and have traveled all over the world, and met a man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I have. I feel so lost in my own truth and the only way I find peace is if I lie to myself about what my truth really is. I find it strange that no matter now I lie to myself the truth just hurts so bad. I want to leave my world behind, I want to run far away to be free of the pain I feel within. I hate myself for feeling like I want to leave because If I leave I would take my son with me and how dare I take him away from his father. The truth is I am scared to show the world who I really am in fear of everyone around me would hate me. But I guess sometimes in life we cant control the truth or the lies we tell.