Sleep

Have you ever wanted to just drift off to sleep and never wake again.. I feel this way today... I am so sick and tired of people and their own drama. I hate to say it but my life is no fucking cake walk... In fact I have been through more shit than most and you really don't see me crying about it... I do however feel down and out about it sometimes .. but I don't think I have been one to bitch about every little thing that happens. I have been trying to see the brighter side of life, and come to terms with the fact that I like everyone else must some day die.. Whether I die sooner or later I don't know yet.. The way my health is looking today I feel that it shall come way sooner than later. But I am not scared in fact I welcome death.. I feel bad for those I will leave behind but again its part of life the one and only thing you are promised in life.. So today I want to sleep .. just sleep and dream a dream of nothingness ...

bucket list!

I am making a bucket list for reasons well that I wish not to share... the point is these are things I want to do in life and if I have a list I will be more likely to complete it! so in no particular order here it goes.
1. Finish my book
2. Go to Ireland and kiss an Irish man haha
3. Go to London and ride on the London eye ahah well I am scared to death of high places but I want to do it anyways.
4. Finish my videos/writings for Kennady
X5. fly in a plane(flew to Florida and back was
X6. fall in love with someone who will fall just as hard back! now this one well it will be hard to do but I shall keep trying till my last day on earth! (mayne got this one done)
X7. Give something of value to someone in need.( learned giving my wisdom to someone is just as valued as anything else in the world)
8. Go to Roma
X9. Learn to let go of things I do not need( I have let go of a lot of unneeded things)
/10. design and make my own pair of shoes haha this one would be so much fun(this gets half an x cuz I drew them up just have to make them?)
11. go to LA and walk down the street where all the movie stars stars are lol
12. see the Grand Canon
13. Vegas baby bet on black and let it ride!
14. go deep sea fishing
15. walk down a busy city street with one of those signs that say The End is Near haha just for laughs
16. take a photo with a famous person(would love it to be johnny depp but come on really, anyone will do haha)
17. test the balloon thing.. see how many balloon's it would take to lift my fat as up off the ground lmao a million prob.! ahah funny
18. hmm this one is stupid .. but jump off the roof with an umbrella while dressed like Mary Poppins haha that would be funny
19. ride a camel
X20. hmmm just came to me .. get a matching tatoo with a dear friend! any takers?(even thou she isn't my friend anymore we got matching tats)
X21. Hold an alligator
X22. eat alligator lol tasted ok i would eat it again lol

 I will keep everyone posted if I end up completing anything on this list.

Will you think of me?(not done?)

Will you think of me after I'm put into the icy cold dirt? Will you come bearing flowers, wearing black like all the widows that sulk at the tombs of their loved ones ...Will you kneel  before my grave and shed tears of sorrow, of love lost, of love that was never really found.. Will you weep in the night at your bedside, wishing to hold me once more.. will you still love me even after our last goodbye? Will you be able to stand before me and tell me that you never gave up on our love when we meet again on the golden glory of heavens hues...It pains me to leave you, but it gives me joy to have loved you.. So when all hope was lost you was my safeguard, my king, my love, my life.. I would have loved nothing more than to spend the rest of my days living at your side, giving you my heart and soul.

I am just me!

I look at myself.. I see nothing but fear... Fear of being alone.. The fear of my own myself! I am scared of what I am.. I am scared of who I will become.. I cant help but wonder where I will be tomorrow.. Dead or Alive?.. Will I make my mother proud of me? Will I get my father to see who I really am? Or will I burn with this shame... I with my tears.. Them with their doubts.. I with my empty love.. Them with their pride... I should just walk way from all this pain.. But I can't I would hurt them far more than they ever hurt me.. So I take their doubts and make them see who I really am...  I am not who they want me to be .. I am just ME!

Farewell(1998?)

Farewell to all... good night to I ... I shall not return tomorrow.. My wish was love and death came first... Goodnight, Good day, death within an hour.. Sweet life I do not have but I wish upon you.. for you can live on and love again, and please do not cry I'll away be by your side.

Rage

Something called RAGE..... Rage burning within me.. Killing me with NO end... Burning I must... Dying I do... Living no more... But you shall too... I have killed... I have loved... But RAGE no more... After I go.. I shall see... nothing but death all around me... I see you die and NO i will never cry... Not for love.. but for joy.. the pain I gave .. I gave you this will all my mind... Death is my gift.. now you shall always be MINE!

Aphrodite!

Aphrodite! Aphrodite!

Goddess of love

Hear my call:

Open up my eye's and let me see, what true love really means to me.

Aphrodite! Aphrodite!

Goddess of love

Open up my heart, so I can feel, the one true love, that is meant to be real.

Aphrodite! Aphrodite!

Goddess of love

Open up my mind so I can fine, the one who holds the other piece of my soul.

Aprhodite! Aphrodite!

Goddess of love

Hear my crys:

so I can seek the one I am meant to met!

untitled not done!

Bodies enfolding against the moon light; kisses felt so deep it moved the earth; soft flowing hands; intertwining our bodies forever; never have I wanted anyone thing this bad; Just to feel you rubbing up next to my skin; A stranger to my body yet you knew it so well; Ramming your life into mine; Embracing our fate becoming one.. a soul mate.. a lover

The love of my life!

I see the stars in the sky, soon it will be morn, the night you were born. I felt you come so silently into life, will you stay and see the morning light. The morning has come for your love. Beautiful colors of the dawn, oranges and reds, light the sky on this glorious day, and the birds and their pretty songs are singing high in the trees. Can you feel the joy, the joy you bung to my life. The soft sunbeams move across you darling face, And a slight hint of breeze running along your golden hair. The flowers are dancing among your little feet. The silky petals are blooming upon your sweet touch. All is right in the world at this moment in time. Your little life I hold in my hands. I will never fail you, I will always love you. And no matter what may come to be I will always be your mommy.

hmm too random for even me .. i got off track!!

death becomes her, its waiting just around the corner... will she go willingly or will she put up a fight.. A fight for life, is there really a point because he will catch up to her at some point right? He is watching and waiting for her to make her move.. So why not just go into the darkness with him... take his hand and go freely where no pain, no hurt, nothing can tough you. Nothing can bring you down... no one can make you feel as though there is no way out... You will feel free of everything that bring you down.... I only hope that one day death will find me and I will take his hand willingly and walk off into the darkness with him . lets just hope that he drops off into the light of heavens gate! At that door I will stand and be told the story of me, they may ask questions to see why I did, or said something that they felt was wrong... But in truth they already know the answer they seek... But I shall smile and say, My heart is yours and no one else's... I wonder if I will be able to walk into the gates of heaven .. I have done many wrong things in my life.. Yet loved God still... everyday I Thanked him for the blessing he gave. And  that promise of love will stay in my heart for the rest of time!

just wondering

I have this person on my mind most of the time .. and I don't know how to get them off of it .. I look at life and wonder how can you feel so much for a person who has no clue about their own feelings let alone yours. I try very hard not to push it to far to tell this person how I feel .. I mean don't get me wrong I have said thing that should have let them know just how I feel .. But I don't rub it in every single time we speak... I just wish the rest of the world was like me ... in the sense of I am open and honest about every part of my life with 90% of people yes some I bullshit with and don't get into details of things they have no business knowing but with some people I tell everything to .. every little thought no matter how crazy it sounds at the time.. No matter how they may react to the statement or comment that I make if they are a true friend they will understand what I mean and not judge me based on that comment or statement.. So how do you get someone else to be blunt and honest about how they feel... I mean its just a feeling rite? There is no rite or wrong way to feel it... u cant change how you feel... I mean you can .. you can try and make yourself happy when feeling blue... but underneath it all your still sad .... So lets tell it how it is here people its not that big of deal... BE HONEST lol I think that is the most miss used word in the dictionary... for the simple fact that people say oh I'm honest, or ya i honestly think this way or that way and they are full of shit!!

hm random

I had a convo with a person who I now think of as my friend(RICHARD) and he told me fate is everything that happens to you, what you go through, the good, the bad everything and that you have no control over it .. and freewill is how you decide to feel about it, about each situation... what you think and feel is up to you..And I agree with these statements for the most part. But I think in a way we are preconditioned to feel or think in certain ways about certain things. We look at someone killing another for whatever reason and we are told that's wrong no matter what. We look at someone in need of food to eat and we feel bad because that's what we was told... So I think, and feel different than othesr.. At least different than anyone I know..I have said this many time I wear my heart on my sleeve.. I feel pain much more than any other feeling. I was told by this friend that I subconsciously enjoy feeling the pain. And after thinking about this, maybe he is rite. When I am in "pain" and feeling down. I look to others to bring myself back up and even though it may only work for a few minutes it never takes the pain away fully. I know why my heart is full of so much pain but the hard question is how do I get it to go away for good, how can one learn to be happy after 28 years of sorrows.. If I have freewill then why cant I make my mind STFU about it and move on... And if fate is so powerful and has this control of your life why would it keep giving one person shit and another treasure? Because I have had enough of this shit life.. I do have blessings don't get me wrong. But how can I enjoy the blessing I do have when I cant feel the pleasures from it.

MOE RIP... wow this is an old on... 1999!

Tears of laughter,
Tears of joy,
Tears of heartache and pain,
Tears fall down like the rain,
remember that day,
the day you left with no words,
you just drifted away into the night,
like a soft breeze blowning gently apon the trees,
and in the midst of the silence,
I heard you call and the rain began to fall.

LMAO untitted

I thought you was different, I thought you was real.. You are nothing more than a liar like all the rest.. But I thought you just might past my test... All men are little bitch's can't you see.. We put are trust in you and you throw it in the sea... Men are big pigs, you know, yes you most of all... Sometimes I wish you would slip and fall; right down them their stairs; brake your neck or maybe more... Now I see how rude yall try to be.. And now I learned from my worst fear.. If I'm with a man I will shed to many tears! No more tears I shall cry because of you, Goodbye! Good day! Parting is sweet yet till the bitter end I shall never love you again!

untitled

emptiness, lost, no love, nor pain, nor nothing to gain... I am so alone, so afraid... now I'm bitter and cold hearted.. I put all of me in the belief of you and you just killed my hopes and dreams... I sit here in my little house, with my little pills wondering how many it would take to kill away the pain or to kill me.. I'm sure  its only a very fine line between the two.... So me and my little magic white pills will be together soon... I am assuming this is the end of us along with the end of me! I am done with living in this bad dream, no one dare wake me, no one dare love me, so don't dare cry for me when I'm gone!

The darkness

the darkness consumes me, even the little shadows that once danced around the room have started to go away... I just sit here in the darkest hours of the night like I'm waiting for someone or something to set me free... I used to be able to see a reflection in the glass across the way but even now it has begun to fade into the night with the shadows... with the darkness I sit .. with the darkness I am.. My long blond hair, now grey... Yet I still sit alone in the night, with the darkness taking whats left of my life.

The Garden

In the garden as the flowers grow
my heart weeps like the willows
as my tears fall down like the rain
it waters the garden but not the pain

my love for you was like a sweet red rose
and now the petals are withered and dark
just like my poor not beating heart

where did all the flowers go
why doesn't my garden grow
does my heart beat again
can it grow from within

the door to my garden and my heart was locked long ago
with a key that shall never be found
that maybe buried deep, deep, down under the icy ground
thy door never opened for the light to warm
thy garden and thee heart shall never love, so all is warned

a poem i guess?

My heart aches when it thinks about you... Knowing I will never again hold you or look into your eyes.. It takes my breath away... I do not want to breathe without you... I keep holding onto this idea of someone out there that is just like me and I thought I found that person in you.. Now I see that I was lost yet again.. I went down the wrong path..I feel to deeply.. to quickly..But this time I thought it was real...I am wrong yet again.. I am no longer confused I see the light at the end of the tunnel.. I feel the warmth of the sun moving across my face.. my eyes weep with tears for what could have been.. my heart aches with fears of what may come to be.. But I will always have faith in knowing that you never loved me.. Love is a word.. it is a feeling.. to feel it as I do.. so deep.. so hard and painfully true... I needed love to fill my heart and soul to be free of my mind... my mind is trying to kill me, to pull me down... down below where the pain lives inside my dark soul... I hurt so bad and I couldn't find no release than I met you and my heart began to weep, it overflowed with hopes and dreams... Of being something more than I seemed..

y cant i get this rite? someone help

As the moonlight moves across the Goddess face, saddness overwhelms her, she weeps for the love that was lost, she ponders the words she never got to say. Alone in the garden of hopes and dreams she stares at the roses that are in full bloom. She reaches to touch the soft white pedals a thorn catches her finger and bright red blood drops down on to the bloom and turns the rose red! Just then as she sat in the dark, the only light coming from the mood a light snow began to fall.

Question! huh i am so tired dnt kno about this one random!!

A Goddess sitting alone in a garden, nothing to do but sit and wait.. wait for the time when she is called down from the heavens to earth to open the hearts of mankind. She watches the people as they kill each other... she ponders why must a man take anther's life, when it is not his to take? Another man is on the street corner getting high and drunk alone in the night, and again she ponders why a man would put those things in his body... She watches as a young girl is being told how pretty, and sexy she is as she is being raped by a man who is off his rocker.. and yet again she ponders to why this man has to take from this young girl.... I have pondered these things in fact myself. I am sure we all have.. And the only conclusion I can make is that man kills another because he is scared to kill himself. Man gets high and drunk because he is to scare to really live. And man takes from women because he had no love or respect for her. I been thinking about life a lot here of late. And I cant seem to get this thought out of my head. Why was I put here, in these time and place. I have been though so much more any most people could even dream of and all of this was before the age of 12, I have died and tried to kill myself so many times that I can not honestly give you a real number. Yet God leaves me here for what? What is the reason... I have no answers other than the fact that I know one day it will all come into light and that day will be glorious... I get this feeling that I am to help others, but I just cant figure out how to do so .. at least not yet.. I am writing a book about my so called life and the trials and tribulations I have been though it will shock some and other will think wow that's why she is so crazy... So to each their own let hope that someday we learn why we are here and  why we had to go though all that we did ... let hope that we fine we was here for something more than just to live... to help someone else grow and become a stronger person than that we were at their age .. Or that we just needed to learn a lesson of some kind... I think I have learned one to many lessons and I am tried of learning I just want to move on and help teach someone else! ahah

Awake my soul!

I truly have been awakened today! I am no longer in the dark of the night, I am standing in the sun and its warmth fills my soul with this joy that I have never felt before. You thought you could bring be down to my grave, when if anything I would never let someone bring me to point of no return! I'm back! Back to the self I once new and I am sick of caring whether someone cant handle the truth, I have been honest with everyone else but myself. I kept lying to myself about who I thought I was. This may sound confusing but I used to be someone who acted like they didn't care even though I did yet at the same time I didn't .. So here is the truth! I laugh at you and whatever power you think you had over me. In all reality I am not this needy person. I need nor want nothing but for someone to give me their whole heart. And the sad thing is now that I think back about two men that I shared my life with for so long, first Joshua he did love me, because if he didn't he wouldn't have been so hurt when I told him I didn't love him. And Nickolas poor Nickolas! He loves me with every bit of his being, because if he didn't, doing all that I did to him he would have walked away along time ago. Yet to this day just about 10 minutes ago in fact he told me he feels lost without me and that he misses me. And to be honest I do miss him too. I do love him but I never let him in fully because I was scared of being hurt. I find that funny, that I could be so stupid to try and let someone else in that wanted nothing to do with me yet I couldn't let the father of my son truly in. I am sick in the head I think.. haha no I know I am .. I  now need to find out what it is I am to do.... I do not want to be married. I do not want to be with anyone right now. Just me and my son.. I rather die alone than hurt Nickolas more than I already have. I found that if you look into yourself you will always have the love that you need. Love can not break your heart it can only make it grow and open to the new ideas, hopes and dream that you have!