well well well

I cant believe what just happen .. I am so pissed but then I talked to u and u make me feel so much better. I have never been so happy just to hear ur voice. I want to love u unconditionally for the rest of our life's! I rather enjoy being this happy and I dnt wanna lose it! I can tell im growing as a person because of u.. u r helping me see how joyful life really can be! Thank you ... I really do have so much love for u!

ah! love wtf is with me today??

I love the smile that lights your face,
Love the warmth
Of your embrace.. I love the sound of your
Voice that says "I care"... love
Each little joy we share! I love..
Your way of being so sweet,
Of making my life feel so complete .. of
Understanding, as you do... I love you because your you!

hmm another poem of sorts

In everything you hope or do, I'll encourage and believe in you. For your every joy in my joy too. You will always have my love.... You don't have to keep your doubts inside, there is nothing that you cant confide, you will always have my love... No matter what, no matter where, you can count on me and I'll be there, to understand to show you I care, You will always have my love...

hmmmm a poem of sorts

Love speaks a language all its own without a word or sound. It start deep in the heart where all true happiness if found. More and more, it seems we share a language all our own. A bond, an understanding meant for you and me alone. More and more , I'm finding out just how joyful love can be. For each day we grow closer. For you will always mean the world to me.

WOW! to LIE

I just post to my fb that humans have this predisposed genetic factor about them for lying. Most people tell lies every single day. I however dont feel that its important to hid the truth no matter how much the truth may hurt. If I dont agree or state the obvious to me thats not really lying. But to know the truth that someone seeks and to bluntly lie about that truth is wrong. I have always took pride in finding the truth in others. And now I see that sometimes no matter how hard you try, no matter how much love you can have for another person. The truth is sometimes never told! It hurts me more to hear your lies than it ever could to hear your truths. Why cant people just be honest.. its really not that hard of a concept. Is it? I mean to know how someone feels I mean really feels deep down in their heart is truth. To not know and keep them guessing would be a lie? If that is the case I guess I am lied to every single day by the one person I hoped would always tell me the truth.

REALLY??

Ok so I am sitting here minding my own business when my phone rings. It was my baby daddy lmao asking me some of the stupid questions. I dont get how someone who seemly has a brain can ask dumb things like that. I know, I know they say there are no stupid questions. But what if the person who is doing the asking is in deed stupid themselves so wouldnt that make the question in fact stupid just because they are the ones asking it? LMAO Please to understand that I dont feel like Im the smartest person in the world nor do I act like I am. However I do have a brain, and I used it and sometimes it will not shut off. I mean shit it works ahha... I love the fact that I have met someone who is smarter than me. Its a first! I really find it hard to believe that there is a man out there that is so much smarter than me and he understand the words I say, and the way in which I say them. Cuz lets be honest sometimes I confuse even myself! But no matter how confusing  I can b its like he get its and that the best feeling in the world! <3

Thats so RANDOM!

I keep having this dream over and over and over again! I don't understand why what is this dream trying to tell me? Okay so here is the dream. I am a woman in the 1600's or so, I'm very happy and care free, I live with my two sisters, we are all young and very beautiful, I am the youngest. I appear to be about 17ish. My dream starts with us(my sisters and I) dancing in the mood light naked. Which is a little odd but hey whatever. It looks like we are doing some kind of Wicca ritual or something IDK. But then it shifts into we are in a house, very cute small cottage. We are lying in our beds when the door gets busted open these men come running in throwing our things around, grabbing us up out of our beds. The man that grabs me looks at me in a way that brings shivers to my very soul in the here and now. They are dragging us out of the house into the yard. They are yelling at us "you witch's! you witch's killing our flocks" we are begging them to stop, begging them to let us go. Telling them we are not witch's! I guess they didn't believe us because the dream shifts again and we are ties to a large pole all three sisters right in a row. I was the first or last pending on how you look at it. There was  so many people just standing there watching us, yelling at us that we were whores, and witches that we will be damned by God. And they are spiting at us, some throwing rocks. I was very scare, I could honestly feel what this "me" in my dream was feeling. The next thing I know they was lighting us on fire. They started with the oldest of us, and as she burned I could feel the heat, I could smell her burning flesh. Next the middle sister, the heat was unbearable, I knew I was next and I was begging them to please let me go, they just laughed and told me to be quiet witch. Right before they lite my fire, I yelled I am a witch, a powerful one! You all shall suffer the rather of me and my sisters, I then said something in a language that I do not understand. But they lite me up anyways. I could smell my flesh melting off, I could feel the pain of my body bursting into flames. It was very painful. Right as I was about to wake up, I could see a blue light, wow it is the most amazing light that I have ever seen. And then I wake up, but the crazy thing about this is when I wake up my skin is very hot to the touch, my body feels as though I am about burst into flames, Yet at the same time I feel blessed to be alive. SO! what in the world could this dream mean? I have been having it sense I was 14ish. Every time its the same. Nothing ever changes. So I have no clue if maybe it was a past life that I cant seem to get over, maybe its a metaphor for I'm playing with fire and I will get burned if I don't do something different in my life. But how can I be doing that's so bad? I have been "burnt" twice in my life but only in my love life, and I have had this dream long before and long after both of them so that cant be it cant it? Well I don't know but I am kind of sick of having it.

Thinking of you!

I cant help but think of you all day and night. To hear your voice brings a smile to my face. It hurts from smiling for so long. But I cant help but wonder what the truth is. When we talk we both sound so happy about it and we have the best convos in the world better than i have ever had that is. But I get a strange feeling sometimes that your not being honest with me. Just little things that bring question to my mind. And I dont want to question anything when it comes to knowing you. All I want is the truth and to be with you. I could so see myself falling madly in love with you, and spending the rest of my life with you. I get this feeling from you when we speak that you feel the same. But as soon as we hang up man here comes the pain I get so sick to my stomach and I wanna break down in tears. But as soon as you call me or text me I feel just fine. How can someone whom I have never even laid eyes on have so much power over me?

some wht of a poem I wrote still working on it

My heart aches with feelings that it has never felt before.
My body yearns for him with every word that he speaks.
My soul trembles with the thought of him running his fingers through my jet black hair and down my spine. Oh how I wish you were mine.
My eye gaze upon him as if they never before seen the light of day.
I want to look so deeply into those eyes, to know what secrets hid inside.
Let me in, let me know. Could you be the one I been waiting for.
Could you be the one that breaks down the walls of my heart that I have been
hiding away for so long.

Okay thats all I got so far.. like I said still working on it.

Random!

I been writing a lot in my journal.. .Its been a while sense I blogged! I been investing a lot of time into this very great guy. In which I rather enjoy the conversation with . He gives me strength beyond myself. He puts a smile on my face no matter the words he speaks. I feel confused in my thoughts. I am trying not to move to fast, I want to take my time in getting to know him. But what of time, I feel as though I have known him forever! I want to know him in every way a woman can know a man. I want to look deeply in his eyes and feel the comfort of his warm embrace. Is it wrong to want to love someone. To just be near them? I don't know how long it will be before I meet him but I need it to be now. How fast can one fall in love? Can you fall so deeply and fast that it sweeps u off your feet. Well I am sure you can. But I wouldn't want to assume he feels the same way. And I am to scared to ask him such a question. What do I say, Huh I know we have only been talking for like two weeks but I think I love you, do you think you love me too? ahaha sound stupid to even say it in my mind or typing it out in this blog. I have never really been on to fall this deeply this fast and it be more than lust, because I could hold him for the rest of my life and never even try and have sex with him. Not that I don't want to make love to him. It just that's not what I really want from him. I feel so confused. I just wish there was a way of knowing how he feels with out having to look stupid and asking him. On that note I have never felt so creative before. I have all these thoughts and ideas just flowing out of my mind,  and I know its because of him its like he is my muse. AHA what of love or happiness can this be real for once in my life?

Finding me!(again older just now posting)

I set out many years ago on a path that I thought would end with me being happy with who I am. Now I have learned that I was only faking this feeling of happiness. Now I have this strong urge to find who I am. I need so much for that feeling of true happiness. Where does one even find that? I assumed one would find it with another person, but now I see you have to find it inside yourself. I have looked deep down in my soul and now I see that I cant be happy in life till I set myself free of all the pain that I hid inside my heart and soul for so long. I really cant bare to live with that pain. I have had a little while now of knowing who I am. And I like me no better yet I love me. I am ready to love with my whole heart for once in my life. Now if I can only find someone that will let me in to give them that love I been holding back on for so long.

A film for thought?(kind of old tht i saved and just now posting)

I love movies very one who knows me knows this fact about me.. I always find a way to relate a movie to my life.. .Well one of my best friends gave me a movie to watch a few weeks ago called Fire Proof ... It was a good movie as far as story and the idea behind it.. that if you only see things from the others point of view you can help become or grow closer in your relationship. HOWEVER!!  this idea that God will damn you to hell if you change your mind about your marrage. How can God damn you for making a mistake, when you have tired for so long to make it work, to understand the other person, to feel their pain to love them to just be with them? I dont get that one bit. Because in my eyes people make mistakes everyday, yes when you marry someone it should be ever lasting but sometimes you dont see that mistake while your making it. I have been married twice, thus far in my life. The first time we was together for 6 years, I met him when I was 16. I was young and stupid and thought I knew all about all ahahahah was I wrong on that note! We did nothing but fight, we would yell at each other about something everyday. He did sometimes take it a little to far and do things to me that no man should do or say to a woman let alone their wife. And I ended up hurting him very bad in the end, and he left. But the door closing in my life opened up a window and when I crawled into that window I never thought I would be here standing at another cross road again. I never thought I would marry again, yet I did and I never thought I would get divorced yet again. But my point is without knowing how wrong it was to love my first husband, I would have never let him go and if he never would have left God would have never blessed with my son, and he is my world I would not trade him for anything or anyone in the world. So I am saying that everything happens for a reason and you have no way of knowing what that reason is till its in your lap so to speak. Again like I said I am standing on the edge of a cross road and I am trying to make my mind up about where or how to do this next step of my life. I have never wanted to be one of those people who gives up on something they love but I truly feel that there is something or someone out there in this messed up world that is my better half. That this person will be "the one" I just hate the fact that I must hurt another person in order to please myself. I just want love like you see in the movies .. I want to feel it so strong that you would rather die then not have that person in your life