hmm Death? really??

First I wanna give a Shout out to Princess D!! *SHOUT* lol... She and I was just talking about death and I told her that its the only thing that God promises us while we are here. We are not promised food, nor shelter, clothes, money, friends, love... none of that stuff... The good things in life are worked hard for.. and to be honest here, I don't see the point in working hard for something that you will lose in the end. Because guess what people you cant take any of this shit with you.. Not your car that you spent 50,000 on which by the way you know how many kids that money could have gave food too... You cant take your house, you cant take your clothes or those 2000 a pair of shoes! haha that 2500 handbag you been "dying" to buy. The point is you are here to learn, to love, to find a place in this world, to get ready for the next. People die every single second in this world. Can you imagine that every single second .. wow thats crazy right, cause like 5000 people died just now as I was writing this. I find it really hard to believe that someone would give up on life, to not really live it, to give up on love..for work, to make that money that everyone wants so badly. Why money? its green, its the dirtiest thing on earth and well its just plan ugly and causes nothing but issues! I find it pointless, I mean yes you have to eat, you have to drink(I prefer vodka) but you have to have these things to live in this world. I wonder what it was like back in the day where everyone traded... Like I have some cows, and you have some chickens so I will give you some milk for some eggs and then you have corn and I have beans so we trade again.. Why cant life be that simple.. NO we are so stuck on this age of wanting and consuming its really killing us faster. People have become lazy, the cells phone we hold to our heads every day are giving us cancer, the TV and fast food is making us fat .... So I say we fight for life! here and now we make a stand! Lets not let the world run us anymore lets run the world! I know so many people who are sick .. hell I am sick .. of what who fucking knows. But I am fighting for me and I keep telling them to fight for themselves because in some fucked up strange way life is worth fighting for... Maybe for the love that could be shared between two people even if for a day! Even if its just a kind word from a stranger.. Life is worth so much more than what we have been giving it... So back to my point ..Death is coming and we are all sitting on our fat asses just watching and waiting for him to knock on the door.. Well guess what when he comes knocking on mine I am locking the font and slipping out the back! I ain't going down without a fight! And I hope that all who read this feel the same way... Cause I have said this so many times before .. When life gives you lemons get some damn vodka mix that shit up and lets party!

The idea behind love?

Okay so everyone has their own idea of what love is to them, of how it would look and feel when they are in it. My idea for love is a little different than most because I don't have to have someone that is so sexy, or handsome that I cant take my eyes off them.I rather have brains! huge huge BRAINS! . My idea of love is ... sitting at the table in the morning, we are reading the paper taking turns on different parts, we will glance up from our papers to take a sip of coffee or tea, or oj lol and we just give each other a look.. just a look .. that says so much with out a single word. The kind of love that you don't have to say "I love you" every single day to know its true and real. The kind of love in which we can drive around the city in our car, just driving and again a glance, a smile says all the words that don't need to be said. And when we kiss its just feels so right, like you never could even imagine kissing another person for the rest of your life. To know that each day counts because you never know when that day will come to be that you must say goodbye, and that day will be the worse day of your life. To lose the one person you couldn't dream of living without. To feel that way just once in my life was my dream.. But now I see that I don't need that kind of love or any kind of love to be me and to be happy... I am just going along for the ride right now and I'm going to breathe it all in and enjoy ever second of it! Make each day count... Make each day worth living and moving on to the next! If I ever do find that love I will embrace it whole heartily I will not put my wall back up I think this time I will keep it down though it may hurt now, someday I will be grateful for the one who broke it open.

Alone?

I keep saying I'm tired of being alone! well I'm so not alone.. I have so many friends and family that love me and like being around me.. They respect me as the person I choose to be. But more importantly even if they were never around, even if I sat "alone" in the darkest hours of the night I then to would still not be truly alone. I know so many people who don't really believe in God or a higher power, but I do! I believe there is so much more to life than we could ever imagine. When we walk we do not walk alone, when we cry he/she catches our tears, when we need a hug he/she is always there to embrace us as we are. Never no judgement. Just love and understanding. Its sad really, because most people try so hard to get all those feelings from another person, to not be judged, to be understood, to be loved.. when we cry we want to be held and told that everything will be okay. But we will never find all that in just one person that is inless you dont count yourself!!

the past.. grr sucks!

Something I thought I was over and done with .. yet i keep dwelling in the past... I had so many hopes and dreams for the future yet I get stuck in this medieorc present. I know the only thing in the future you can count on is death and heart ache. So to feel so strongly about something that you have no control over is pointless.

boo... this one kind of sucks too gtrrrrrr

I can smell the sweet smell of the blossoms on the trees as the morning sun raises above the them. Something about dawn that makes everything smell sweeter, and look prettier. even the trash heap with bee's flying around the bin has this look about it in the golden glory of the morning sun. Its true ecstasy to watch as the sun rises higher in the sky of night as it turns into dawn. I love this feeling, its as though you see the world for what it is,... like its the first time every time.

BLAH! stupid stupid thoughts!

To truly know oneself is to live.... to love another is to die a little each day, in knowing that love kills slowly and so painfully, cause breathe can not fill your lungs fast enough when their around...

GAY ASS SHIT!!

genuine passion starts with a look, a touch a feeling of more than lust..... it would be divine to fall asleep and to awake next to you ... its numberless the days I cant seem to count, on how many I wished for this... and wanted this more than anything else... your my guardian of the night, the holder of hearts and souls.. I become a snowflake upon your touch I melt... Ah to be next to you would be something that dreams are made of!

thoughts!

I could see the storm growing in the distance.. the terror moves across my face... i grieve next to the streetlamp.. as the feathers of the swans fall around me .. I embrace for the storm as it get closer.. i return to my childhood fears as it sits in my soul...To know that terror, to know its all about to end makes it hard to breathe, hard to move.... I cant just stand here and watch as the rain starts to fall... I want to run but something hold me here to this spot... I cant seem to find the time to move to stand, to sit, to hold on to anything around me... Everything is flying .. flying so fast.... its almost here I feel it starting to lift me up as the heavens part... will I stay or will I go!

Devour me hmm dnt like the ending of this one! someone help lol

To be devoured by you in me, to feel that love you set me free... to know the truth that lies inside your soul... this unexpected thing happen to me by knowing you ... i now know me! you make me feel vulnerable yet oddly enough you make me enjoy that feeling of being lost and confused... I know nothing but to want you ..to hold you .. to feel that you want me too ... I want! I need !! you to devour me to take it all in.. to love me with no end.. the faithful and true hearts that lie .. deep down .. deep down inside... where the soul hides in wait for your love to set it free .. can it only be that that simple for you to love me... I think not there for I am going to be alone and damned the rest of this life time ... Which hurts me more knowing I will never have your love than knowing it for a life time and losing it in the end ...

Surrender(wrote a week ago just now posting)

Surrender to me, to my love against the night, with the moon shining bright above. My time has come to image much more than hopes of happiness.. My thoughts get lost along the cold keys I type. I cant succumb to this pleasure of wanting you .. Yet I give it freely, my time, my heart, my dreams. My ALL! And you give me nothing but a short lived smile on my tear filled face. For those moments I long for, just to hear you say my name, to hear u speak those words.. To show me what truth of love really is... Can you be the one to show me what it is I seek? Or am I indeed wrong to want to love you and want you to love me in return.. My heart beats in the rhythm of your steps but the question is are you  moving closer to me or away.. This question makes my heart want to stop so i can sit in the silence of you and find where it is you are going to be. Oh !! to hope, to dream of you fills my whole body with warmth and in that warmth my cold icy heart starts to melt, just at the sound of you breathing your hot life into me.... I need for you to breath a little faster, a little harder melt my heart once and for all!

hmm a poem maybe

I took a journey, in the twilight of hours, the reflections of the blackbirds shadow silently fly in the sky. I shall journey to the end of my time in the shadows of others... forcing myself to not feel ashamed of who I pretend to be. I was real with you, I was just me. I thought you would awake me from my this life I called a bad dream. And now they are telling me my time has come to an end, for once I am upset at the idea because I had just fallen into me. I am sorry for those who loved me, I am sorry for those who will never get a chance to know me. My pain was almost gone you opened my heart, my mind,my soul... The only tears that fell was in joy. Oh! to have joy in my life it is as though my heart skipped a beat just hearing you say my name. And now it had come to that time again to say goodbye to bid farewell to I.....

RANDOM!!! REALLY

Well, I have come to realize that life has plans for you whether you believe in fate or destiny. I am going with the flow of things for once in my life and Im really like where this road is taking me. Its not dark and scary like all other roads I have been down... This one is bright and colorful, with huge green trees, amazing smelling flowers. And I dont see any signs that say it has a dead end, only new and fresh beginnings. I have wanted to see a road like this for so long, no forks, no bends just straight and narrow. I rather enjoy the peace that i feel while walking along side you down this road. Let hope it stays this sweet forever! Because you give me the peace and calmness that I have been waiting for, for the last oh I dont know 28 years!