Hello World!

WOW its been forever sense I posted to here... I have wrote a lot of random things down but have yet to post them.... I hope to get back here soon and post all these thougths and feelings of TRUE HAPPINESS!! wow its strange to stay it but its really real .... for the first time it is real!

BOO! RANDOM! wrote in OCT just now posting

Life ain't always what you think it should be .. When you young you have so many hopes and dreams that come and go as your grow older. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor. Something about it fascinated me. The thought of helping others by giving them the gift of saving their life. As I grew this hope/dream never really faded and to this day I still think of what might have been. However now a days, I think that I would of enjoyed it yes but its not me, it does not fit in with the person I am. I cant stand people most days I rather sit alone in the darkest hours of the night day dreaming about far off lands and traveling the world finding a man that can love me for me and not try and change who I think I am. I feel this need to be something more than me yet at the same time I feel this need to tell everyone to go fuck themselves.

I think there for I am CRAZY!!

You stumble in and out, in and out, in and out of peoples life's leaving behind heart ache. A perfect disaster you left in your wake! I don't understand why people feel as they do I really, honestly, have no clue! I came into this world soft and meek, with only dreams of love that I seek. You wrapped me up in a blanket soft and new, and now you hide behind the lies that was so dreadfully untrue. I kept you secret, I kept you safe. In my heart for no others to take. And yet, I love you with no end, my heart weeps for you to just let me in. To know the truth that hides inside your mortal soul. I know some day you will leave me like all the rest but I hope and pray that I am your best, the best part of you loving me is so true.

The truth about love! (not done?)

The truth about love is... it hurts, it will make you cry whether it be good or bad. When you are in it you will feel amazing and happy, maybe even a little care free, when your not you will long for it.. you will hope for it you will search day and night trying to find it. But the thing is no matter how much love you can have for someone else if they don't love you back then all its pointless.  I have loved and lost a few times in my life but each time I feel as though I am getting closer to the kind of love that last a life time.  The kind of love that hold no ends, the kind of happiness that fairy tales are made of. Knowing that no matter where you are in the world there is someone that is thinking only of you, wishing you were next to them, to hold you close. To find a love like that its what dreams are made of. Some, only a few really get it right the first time. Most much like myself take a few extra trys to get it right. I read some where that "if you love two people pick the second one because if you ever really loved the first you wouldn't have fallen for the second in the first place" I am a strong believe in this thought, or statement if you will. However, there is one little thing that its over looking, that whether you love two or three, each time is different because its with a different person. Every time I ever thought I was "in love" it was stronger and more meaningful than the last, I find it funny because I can remember crying when my mother maded me come back home from Alabama I honestly didn't know one person could shed that many tears. I think I cried from Montgomery to Nashville before we stopped for the night and I made myself go to sleep. Ah to be in love when your a teenage girl I think its the most assuming kind of love there is because to you everything is the end of the world! That this is the boy you will love forever no matter what anyone else has to say about the matter and how dare they say "oh it will never work" because you know for a FACT that it will. So young and naive girls are, see boys I think they know that its a I love you for now kind of thing, not oh I promise to love you forever. They may say it but they are not stupid enough to believe it. As you grow however, love changes. It grows deeper and stronger and most of the time the love you felt for someone at 16 is far different than the love you feel for them at 22. After your first love the next is hard to fall into yet at the same time you fall a little deeper than before, because you are more open to it. You are older and wiser (well most people are wiser but not all) and the feelings run a little truer and in most cases last a little long. Now see me for example relations are paired in two's. Two last about 7 years, two lasted about 4 months. Does that mean that the ones that did last longer were more "special" or more "meaningful", My answer would be NO, each love was different and had its own special place in my heart. One broke my heart into a million piece that took a while to get back together, two hurt me in away that shall not be explained here in my blog, and one well he left a hole in my heart I honestly don't think will ever heal. The hole has gotten a little smaller over the years, but the littlest things seem to tare away at it pulling at its seems. And now today, my heart is open and honest and 100% pure. Its ready for the love that it longed for, for all these years. I am a little more cautious than I used to be but something about this idea of loving this boy I like, had some how thrown my caution to the wind so to speak and I don't know how to feel about it. I don't want to be hurt again, been there, done that too many times to count! But where is the joy, or the hope, the excitement, the adventure if you don't try. So I shall try not to give up on this boy, lets hope he don't give up on me. Because you never know, this time the love and be grand! It can be amazing, it can be anything we want it to be, if only open to the possibility's that lie ahead!

Kiss me softly on thine lips, painted red for the world to see... Cold and icy yeah they may be, but your touch warms just a little... I am gone now, to late to save, yet at the end of the day you wish for me to hold once more. To hear me calling your name.. Sweet love that I adored

BULLSHIT

This last two months have been very hard on me. One day at a time I walk down this lonely street wishing and hoping for someone to take my hand and guide me down the right path, but every time I feel as though I have met that right person I ended up more lost and confused than I already was. There is so much I want to say to you yet I cant find the strength inside myself to just say it. I wish I could tell you that I still love you, I wish I could tell you how much you really do mean to me. You hurt me so bad by leaving me alone and scared in the dark. I wished for you, I hoped for you, I dreamt of you every day of my life and what I got told hold you for an hour, a day, a night. Was that really enough time for you, because it sure in the hell was not enough for me. I hear your voice and I feel this sickness in my stomach. Yet I feel the happiest I have ever been. You hold no power over me yet I give it to you freely because I have hopes that you will see just how much I miss you and need you in my life. I am tired of trying to be this person that feels more pain than pleasure .. I am tried of trying so hard to get you to understand just how I feel without sounding like a crazy woman.... hmmm that's the hardest thing I ever had to do was walk away from you but what other choice did I have?

pondering of a rambling loon!(some a of convo I had with a dear friend the rest added later)

I was just thinking about how one can feel so close to someone that they never laid eyes on yet feel worlds apart from the very people in their life's that they see every day. Then I questioned whether it is wrong to live your life loving and longing for a day when you can find that one missing piece of the puzzle or should you give up on the idea and just go on living every day with a hole in your heart? I ask this to a friend and he/she told me I already know the answer to this question to that I replied if I knew the answer I wouldn't be ask you! I then said see the thing is that the easy answer would be to give up on it cause even if you find it how do u make it fit or make it work in the way you want ... but life is not easy at all, it wants to make things harder than need be its wants you to long and wait for something that will never come to be. So what is the rite answer, do you wait and hope and pray you don't miss out on something amazing because you was to busy looking for something else? Or do you dive in head first into every little moment that could bring you some kind of happiness. I feel lost and confused on this topic because I do both. I dive in to just about every little moment yet I keep part of me locked up tight waiting for that one special piece to feel whole. The sad thing is even when I do dive into those moments I don't really get the full effect because I'm not 100% open to it. So in a way I'm just a poser, I fake my happiness so that I don't bring  others down around me. That is till I speak with you, in those moments I smile no matter the words speak. In those moments I think of nothing but happy thoughts of getting to know you and wondering if that moment is just as joyful for you as it is for me!