Awake my soul!

I truly have been awakened today! I am no longer in the dark of the night, I am standing in the sun and its warmth fills my soul with this joy that I have never felt before. You thought you could bring be down to my grave, when if anything I would never let someone bring me to point of no return! I'm back! Back to the self I once new and I am sick of caring whether someone cant handle the truth, I have been honest with everyone else but myself. I kept lying to myself about who I thought I was. This may sound confusing but I used to be someone who acted like they didn't care even though I did yet at the same time I didn't .. So here is the truth! I laugh at you and whatever power you think you had over me. In all reality I am not this needy person. I need nor want nothing but for someone to give me their whole heart. And the sad thing is now that I think back about two men that I shared my life with for so long, first Joshua he did love me, because if he didn't he wouldn't have been so hurt when I told him I didn't love him. And Nickolas poor Nickolas! He loves me with every bit of his being, because if he didn't, doing all that I did to him he would have walked away along time ago. Yet to this day just about 10 minutes ago in fact he told me he feels lost without me and that he misses me. And to be honest I do miss him too. I do love him but I never let him in fully because I was scared of being hurt. I find that funny, that I could be so stupid to try and let someone else in that wanted nothing to do with me yet I couldn't let the father of my son truly in. I am sick in the head I think.. haha no I know I am .. I  now need to find out what it is I am to do.... I do not want to be married. I do not want to be with anyone right now. Just me and my son.. I rather die alone than hurt Nickolas more than I already have. I found that if you look into yourself you will always have the love that you need. Love can not break your heart it can only make it grow and open to the new ideas, hopes and dream that you have!